Imperfectly Beautiful: Flirting with Depression

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Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. —2 Corinthians 5:17

This series is a spiritual life journey. The before and after of how I became a Christ follower. The 1st post which you can read here, talks about how easily we tend to blame God or others for life’s circumstances. In the 2nd post of this series I take you down memory lane in my early life sharing how disappointments can propel us into a negative & destructive life. You can read it here. Today’s post is about a season in life when I struggled with depression.

Since my youth I had a distorted view of success unfortunately, this understanding made me feel insignificant and less than enough. Sadly, the goals I set out for myself did not panned out. And feelings of defeat surrounded me everyday and carried me well into young adulthood. It was all negative and messy. I had no voice of reason that could talk me out of it. My destructive ways continued until I met my now husband. In an attempt to cover my “failure” I tried to fulfill a hole with a husband and a new family.

Life happens in seasons and during this time my life had plenty of beautiful moments but were shattered by a false illusion of success. The dream of going to college and building a career was still pressing my heart. But my young family and lifestyle made it hard to focus on that dream. My discouragement fueled a negative view of my world and I began to bully myself, criticizing my life and where I was. I started to resent my husband, my children, and myself for allowing my life to take this path.

I was focusing on my lack rather than the blessings before me. Lies began to flood my mind, I felt lonely, my expectations of life stirred me into a wilderness of depression and lack of self-love. My struggle with depression led me to seek more, I was searching for purpose and meaning, for hope. It was then that I found the love of Christ Jesus.

I soaked in His love, His promises and His grace. My broken heart allowed an opportunity to love and trust God. I found purpose and beauty in life. I no longer covet a distorted view of success. Instead, I immerse myself in my husbands love, my children are pleased with me, my parents & siblings see my faithfulness and I serve a community that desperately needs to know the love of Jesus.

I learned to reject an empty soul, I guard my heart and mind. I don’t let toxic people (including myself) drive me into depression. I am Renewed, I am learning to embrace my messy life and in every life season I am content with Jesus because He satisfies.

Today I want to encourage you to trade your brokenness for His brokenness and live wholly. Let God lead you in your lack and in His ways to everlasting. (Psalm 139:24)


Barbara Mancilla